No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Can. I. Help. You.
Knock Knock
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
god (creating me): here鈥檚 the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i鈥檒l be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 馃檨
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.