They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
This kid is a star!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
when someone compliments me
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
How is it still this week?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point