7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.