Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
im 7 sauces long
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]