My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!