Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.