Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.