Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?