Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
They’re called werewolves.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.