Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.