Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels