Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Ain’t no way
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.