MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
multitasking lunch