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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Siri: Retweet me.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”