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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?