Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
#Caturday
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?