If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Only Americans understand
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around