Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
philosophical skeletons be like
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body