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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!