Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship