The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit