one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives