Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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Baller is short for ballerina
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.