Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Google assistant rules
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.