worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Big Sex has us all fooled
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
#ProTip
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Which wines pair best with gloating?