[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream