gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this