Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.