me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.