i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Vodka burrito was a success