I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt