PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.