Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Breaking news:
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can