I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
You Might Also Like
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
just leave it at the foot of the bed
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat