Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The booster protects against what, now?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
thanks auntie mary
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
work smarter, not harder
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep