son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I need better friends
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes