Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
You Might Also Like
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I’ll be mad as hell!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?