My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You deplete me
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle