A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
pls suprot
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”