I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You Might Also Like
Good morning.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.