Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
sigh
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
The USS B port
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.