Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
cause of death:
autopsy.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
New favorite tiktok
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
How do you milk an almond?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.