If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart