“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀