“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Beware of fowl play.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.