I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.