[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I would like even faster food.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in