Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Dune (2021)
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.