I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Look at this
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.