*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Life is a suicide mission.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator